June 6, 2007

ALISS'S SIDE OF THE STORY

My Chemical Romance - Where do I begin? Saviours, heroes, idols, everything to me. No amount of words could ever sum up my dear love for these fantastically fucked up deities of mine. No amount of pitiful crying over the fact that my existence is totally unknown to them will put my poignant, however valid point across you. But, whoever you are, wherever you are, I want you to know this; My Chemical Romance are my life.

Now, to start my well and truly shamelessly devoted banter about how much they mean, I foreworn you that I will not spare you of any details, whether gruesome, sickening, deplorable or contrite, they are all included in here.

Firstly, I shall let my ignorance of my sanity show vibrantly through my concrete show of what appears to be my normal self. The person I make myself look like on the outside is not me. I am not playful, assertive, happy. No, not happy. For a matter of fact, I am probably the most passive, troubled life form you have ever laid your sad and sorry eyes upon. Yes, I’m 12, and yes, I’ve tried suicide, but I believe that one is never too young to commit anything. Sitting there, watching my computer screen, thinking to myself, ‘well, I’m out of here now, so long and goodnight f**k’ to the people who are throwing their sincerely dismal hate at me through the form of messenger. Word laid out so simply, so inadequately projected, thrown in my face like they’d never see me again, as if this was their last chance to throw their hate at me. You’d think ‘well, they’ll be friends on Monday’. I’ll sit there and carry on the prospects, I’ll sit and watch. My empathy allows me too take so much of the world around me into my heart, where the crevasses and chasms are already deep enough, and let me, embarrassingly, take it seriously. My strongest weakness, the startling winner beyond all others is my sympathy of myself, my pathetic compassion for my sick self is outside what we call ‘the average’, it’s way to far on for that. But this is where it all began. This is where a tragically appalling emotion get out of hand.

2004. It wasn’t an easy year. I had no reason to feel bad, but somehow I just did. I would sit alone, scared to go out and face the world around me, scared to see the faces of the happy people, the ones that have never been like me. I had a easy way of hiding it; a smile, a laugh, a word for the people. But there, as they watched me grow up, they all had no idea what was really going through my head.

Rejection
Fear
Hatred
Depression.

It was all piled upon me. I was trapped inside my own mind, and I had no way of getting out. No one could help me in the literal suicide of my soul. At this point, I don’t know what kept me holding on - I guess maybe that ray of hope inside me kept me going. But it wasn’t enough to live off, not for as long as this was going on for. But, November 2004, something finally came my way. And this time - it wasn’t bad news.

As Avril lavigne graced my television screen, as I watched thinking about my life - and how much worse it could become, the song suddenly changed. I guess I was in a day dream, I hadn’t noticed much of the world around me. All I remember is a sudden blasting sound of a guitar, and I looked up. I squinted in the sunlight, and I saw the band name and song appear on the screen.

"My Chemical Romance - I’m Not Okay"

Well, this one looked interesting, I thought to myself. I saw these two men, talking. I couldn’t quite grasp what they were saying, all I know is that this kept me hooked. And thank God it did. I saw in this video, everything that was related to me. Bullying, love, rejection, everything was compiled into this masterpiece. I was hooked, I couldn’t let go of what I had just seen. It was impeccable, miraculous, astonishing that I could ever find something so close to me, and with one glance too. I dwelled on this for a while, thinking. I researched them, got to know them better. But, alas, something was still wrong. As much as this band was helping me, I still didn’t feel okay. Every girl my age was into Beyonce, Britney, Christina, and all those other pop acts that are taking over the world. Again, still being scared of rejection, I couldn’t share this band with anyone. No one could know. I still don’t know if it was bad feelings, fright, or simply misunderstanding of myself. But I know it was not shame. No one can ever tell me I was ashamed, I was anything but. The words shame and My Chemical Romance, in my life, will never go together. And that will never change.

January 2006 I hit the rock bottom. I could not go any lower, that was simply impossible. I had tried everything that got me through again, but my reliance had finally run out. I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I did it. I took the pills, I lay myself to sleep. Willingly. I woke up the next morning, no beeping, no footsteps, no ‘She’s not going to make it’ like I had wanted. My plans had failed. I had nowhere else to go from there. I got out of my bed, unwillingly this time, pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt, not bothering to wash or anything. I switched on my music, My Chem of course, and I vented my anger and frustration with myself and the world. I cried for hours on end, no one knew. I just sat there and cried.

"I lost my fear of falling, I will be with you. I will be with you"

I kept on crying, but then, I knew that I had to carry on.

Now, 2006 has not been an easy year for, by any stretch of the imagination. And I will admit - The Black Parade didn’t make it any better. I didn’t want to watch my band become bigger. It simply broke my heart to see that the band that were once mine were being torn away from me. They were slipping faster than water in my hands. With them like this I was lost. I had no one there for me, I had lost my inner strength. I still love My Chem, and I know I will always. And no matter how much fame, strength, and maybe infamy they get, I will stay by them forever. Because I know that they will stay with me.

I battled with myself for years, and My Chemical Romance were the only thing that kept me going. I still may not have the best life in the world now, but at least I have this band. Because without them, I wouldn’t be writing this. They are my best friends, my only ray of hope that still shines upon me to this very day. I know now, that I will not die. And if I do, I’ll die with them, falling. And with no fear at all.

- Aliss, Bishop Monkton, England