May 8, 2008


When I was younger, I was really into pop (yes, this does include Britney Spears *shudders*) and other similar people (I'm sorry that I can't remember any more of them). Music has always been my refuge.

I was content in my old school (St. Joseph's), where I had no real friends, but there were people there that I knew there. Even if they weren't my friend every day, at least they were sometimes. But then things changed when the pastor of my church/school was found imbezzeling funds in order to build the rectory a new roof. The school closed and everyone had to find another place to go to school.

I was afraid, and I was just in fourth grade. No amount of listening to Britney Spears or any other high - pitched pop singer helped, and for months on end, I didn't know what to do. Music has always been where I've hidden when I've had a horrible day, and having this yanked out from under me hurt.

It got worse in my next school (St. Patrick's), which was full of very pretty girls, all of them skinny and without the least hint of a fro. And so everyone made fun of me because of my hair and weight, even my 'friend' Jenn, who talked about how stupid and ugly I was so she could hang out with the popular crowd.

It got to the point that in my 7th grade yearbook, there are about 15 comments detailing how ugly, fat and stupid I am. Someone wrote that I ought to kill myself because no one liked me and no one ever would, but I wasn't that desperate yet.

But it got to that point when my best friend from 2nd grade told me I needed to lose some weight at our last dance in 8th grade, before 8th grade prom. Specifically, she said I 'looked like a friggin' whale in that dress'. Someone else overheard (or something), because after I came back into the dance, everyone was sort of staring at me. Someone screamed "YEAH, TOLD YOU GUYS!!" and everyone started to laugh. I ran all the way home, and grabbed a mix CD, hoping it would help.

All it did was make me more and more frustrated, and when I came back to school on Monday, Victoria wouldn't talk to me and everyone was laughing.

I went home, grabbed the sharpest thing I could find and slashed my arm.

For weeks it went on without anyone knowing, and by the time 8th grade prom rolled around, I was pretty well scarred up.

My best friend Catherine (who is still my nearest and dearest friend) told me to 'take an old CD off her hands'. It turned out to be Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. The first song I played was "To the End" and I suddenly felt all the pain that I had been hiding. The lyrics just slammed me, psychologically, and I took a step back and reviewed what I had done with myself up until this point.

It took a long time, but I have managed to stop cutting myself and my love of MCR has ever, ever grown.

Then I saw the WE'RE OKAY NOW and I felt like "this is something I seriously need to be a part of."