November 8, 2008

ANONYMOUS SIDE OF THE STORY

The other night I was laying in bed, hugging pillows as usual, trying to get some sleep.

However, that night was different from the others. Even after I had convinced myself the pillow was actually someone who wanted to take care of me, who wanted to love me for who I am, it still didn't work. I still felt as lonely as ever, but only this time I felt even more pathetic for actually thinking that hugging pillows imagining them to be someone I could love made me feel even more sad. So I pushed the pillow away, and I started thinking.

And with thoughts came tears.

I thought about how lonely I was. There's a song that says "you don't have to be alone to feel lonely" by Ok Go and I feel it is completely and utterfly true. I'm not alone in the actual sense, because I have some good friends to hang out with at school and I have my family and up until a few days ago I even had a best friend (before I screwed it up and now we're not all that buddybuddy anymore). I've received pretty much everything I've ever wanted from my parents, I even got to go see my favourite band play in a foreign country with a 'stranger'.

So why did I still feel so miserable? I know I should've been happy about all these things (and I am greatful for them, I really truly am) but it still feels like I need more to be happy. I guess I still haven't figured out that happiness isn't something that be gained from the outside in, but from the inside out.

All these thoughts started running through my head so fast I couldn't control them anymore. It hurt, too. It hurt, but there was not physical outlet for my pain. So I thought about the fingernail clippers I had on my nightstand, and I thought about attaching them to my left wrist. Maybe it would help, maybe it would make this all go away, maybe just maybe people would see the way I'm hurting (as stupid as it may sound). I was desperate at that point, I really was.

I was actually thinking about it, planning to do it when something I had read made me change my mind. A quote, a quote by none other than the lead singer of one of my favourite bands - Gerard Way. I had read it from My Living Romance's myspace/website number of times, and I had read it a few times even before that. The words that were for me the words of strenght.

"...if you find yourself depressed, hurt, like an outcast, like the only kind of place you could ever fit in is in a show like this, that's not the case. 'Cause even though we're all outcasts in our own way we all belong to this world an we all fit in to this world. Do you understand me? We all have something to say, but you never ever say it with violence."

So I found myself with even more tears, but no blood. Once again they had saved me in some sense, and not for the first time either.

We're not alone.