November 8, 2008

HEATHER'S SIDE OF THE STORY

My depression started some years ago, when I was ten years old. I was depressed because of my difficulties going on at home. We weren't wealthy, I hate the word…but all I can say is that we were poor, really. I wouldn't ever call that house a home. My dad was an alchoholic, and it really put pressure on me. My aunt and uncle on my mother's side of the family were very very religious, and were always looking down on us. We had terrible neighbors, and I could never go outside because my parents didn't trust them. I was already beginning to become suicidal. Both because of where I was at, and because of my father. I waited until winter, and then I would sneak into the bathroom at my house, or any other house I could go to, and I would cut myself. It was terrible. I tried to kill myself in so many ways over the years. I would try to suffocate myself, I would try to stab myself, I'd do anything that might end my life. And I failed every time. Every day I prayed to God that I would die the next day. I couldn't take living with my father, and my mother. They constantly argued about everything and the sound is what struck me to go and cut myself. Every day I was coming closer and closer to just taking a knife and stabbing myself in the throat. I don't know why I didn't do it anyway in the first place, but I'm glad I didn't.

The next problem I had, was being in school. I would constantly get into verbal fights and physical fights. If I wound up with a black eye or a small cut or a busted lip, I'd try to apply as much make-up as I could before leaving school so my parents wouldn't see. I didn't want anyone to know anything about me. And it stayed that way for I don't know how long.

My next problem came with underage drinking that no one knew about, and they STILL don't. I never told my parents about it because I didn't want them to lock me up or put me on some kind of medication. So…I was one messed up little f**k.

And I suffered this for 4 years until 2005. At first, it was December 12th, 2004. My mother was at work, and my father was asleep in bed. I was awake, and I was on the computer going through a fan-site for a band that I liked, until I stumbled upon My Chemical Romance's official website. I got curious and clicked and dug around in their website. The band seemed to be interesting to me, and I started to like them. Later, I got off the computer and went into my room and turned on the radio while I was playing a video game. I heard them announce on the radio station that they were playing a new song by the band that I'd just got through looking at on the net. They played "Helena". When I heard it…I was just hypnotized by it. The words were so based on what I was doing to myself and it seriously reminded me of what I was doing to myself too. It matched. I kept thinking…"Coincidence? Or just some weird Deja-Vu?" I was obsessed with the song and called the radio station an hour later, telling them to play it again for me. Then I called back two more hours and asked them to play it again. And again. And again. Until I had the words stuck in my head. I felt changed. But MCR didn't save me yet.

Another year passed into 2005, when they released the Helena video. I had the TV turned on, and again, my mother was at work, my father asleep in bed, and I had the TV channel set to MTV. I was just coming into the living room from the kitchen with a can of coke in one hand, and my other hand…hanging, because I had just finished cutting myself…again…as I walked in, I saw the video starting up immediately. I stopped to watch because the song sounded familiar. I watched it, and I felt…paralyzed. I saw Gerard singing the words, Mikey, Ray, Bob, and Frank all in the background playing the music. I saw the men and women dancing around Helena's casket, I saw the one girl shedding a tear for the funeral…I felt my breathing slow down. My eyes were wide; I couldn't believe what I was seeing. And then I saw Helena come out of the casket, I saw her dance down the aisle, and then fall right back into the casket. Then I see the group carrying it out to the hearse, and the men and women dancing in the rain with their umbrellas, and then the final scene where Gerard looks into the hearse, and then walks off. I'm not lying to you…I thought I felt my heart stop for three seconds. I dropped my coke (which made a loud noise…) and I realized that I was crying. My eyes were wide, I hadn't blinked until the video ended and I felt my heart drop along with my body. I felt to the floor, sobbing, crying like a baby when it's cranky and wanting to sleep. I finally realized that I needed to stop cutting myself. The video scared the shit out of me…I realized that if I kept doing what I was doing…that I would be like Helena, in the video. I'd be the one inside of that casket, I would have all of those people - my family and friends - sitting in the church, crying their eyes out.

"And what's the worst you take, from every heart you break, And like the blade you stain, Well I've been holding on tonight…", "What's the worst that I can say? Things are better if I stay, So long and goodnight, So long and goodnight…", "And if you carry on this way, Things are better if I stay…" Those lyrics are my life. When I heard Gerard scream those words from the video, it finally hit me in the head. I didn't want to be like the girl in the video yet, I didn't want to see people I loved crying their eyes out because of me, I didn't want to be buried 3 feet down into the ground, never to see anyone else again. It scared me. In a good way. My Chemical Romance scared the shit out of me, and they got a message to me that I couldn't recieve before. I finally cried myself to sleep on the floor, and I lied there for hours until my dad woke me up, worried sick as to why I was on the floor in a fetal position. I never told him or my mother about it, about why I was crying and on the floor that day.

Over the years listening to their music has kept me going. Their music is like my own medication, that keeps me from doing it again, every day. I found out so much about the band over the years, that I didn't want to let them go. I didn't want to obssess over any other band, I didn't want any other clothing for any other band, it was all just MCR, MCR, MCR to me. They were a part of my every day life, and they still are. I'm 15 now, and I'm in better shape and condition than I ever have before in my life. I've recently quit doing the underage drinking problem. I'm doing SO much better in my education now. I'm homeschooled now to keep me away from pests at school, we've been able to move out of our house and into an apartment. I'm honestly, much more happier now than I've ever been. Thanks to My Chemical Romance's 3 albums and their DVD, I'm not afraid to keep on living, I'm not afraid of falling, and I'm not afraid of death either. I owe these five men my life. They have done so much for me, by just through their lyrics. My parents have even said that since I'd discovered MCR, that I'd become a better person. I was able to tell my mother about my past issues of being suicidal and cutting and why. I have yet to tell my father. I'm just thankful that back then, I didn't cut deep enough to leave scars. I'm not as private as I used to be, I'm more open now, which brightens my parents and family and friends.

People don't understand why I'm so attatched and connected to this band…because they know nothing of my history. They think that my love for them is just a teenage thing, but it's kind of hard to let go of someone who has saved your life and has inspired 3/4 of your life. Sometimes I'm afraid to tell my story about back then…but then again, I wouldn't be able to tell them about this amazing band that saved my life. I truly hope that one day I can meet them and thank them for all that they've done for me. I owe My Chemical Romance everything and more. And I will take my love for them 'till death, and beyond. They are in my heart forever.

-Heather, 15, US, Tennessee