October 10, 2009

DEANDRA'S SIDE OF THE STORY

I was eleven when I realized that my family was unraveling. No, wait. I knew much earlier than that, but I refused to believe it. When I was growing up my parents would always put on a happy front in front of my sister and I. there was this one time, however, while my sister and I were watching an episode of Pokémon, where they were fighting. My father ended up flipping the table over, breaking most of the things on or around it. My mom picked up Dezi and I and put us in the car, my memory goes blank from there. Desiree was seven, I was five.

Anyway, I was eleven, and just starting out in seventh grade. I was, and still am today, a very awkward child. I didn't have many friends, and out of the eleven period day, I was completely alone for three of them. That may not seem like a long time, but three periods out of every day of a five day week takes a toll on ones self confidence, which for me was dwindling at best from the start. In those periods there were five very cruel, mean spirited people, and I seemed to have a target on my back. Anytime I was near one of them, or got to the classroom too early, one of them would find me and begin to make my day a living hell. This living hell consisted of calling me names, teasing me about my clothing or grades (Even if my grades were better than theirs were), and even physical abuse.
While this was going on to me at school, I was also being neglected at home. You see, Desiree was having emotional issues as well. My father began to hit her, shove her up against walls, and I'm guessing other things that I do not know about. She told me that this has been going on before I knew it was, she just started fighting back. I tried to tell my mother what was happening to me at school, how I was so sad, how I was being tormented. She wouldn't listen to me, she explained to me that "The squeaky wheel gets the oil". It was as if I no longer existed, that I was no longer important, like what was going on to me was nothing compared to her. I didn't matter anymore. My sister threatened to kill herself, tried it once too. She was admitted to the hospital several times. We discovered that she had something on her brain that's effecting her. My mom was with her every step of the way.

Yes, I do realize that this situation with Dezi was bad, probably much worse than anything going on with me at the time. But that shouldn't give them permission to let me fall through the cracks. I was only eleven, and at eleven years old I did not know how to handle this without somebody by my side. During that entire year, I believe I missed as much school as I have every other year combined. I would often go to the nurse, fake sick and get my father to take me home before period two. At one point in the year I swallowed several pills, wanting to die myself... needless to say it didn't work out. I ended up throwing them up in the toilet and going to sleep. The next morning my mom woke me up, and I went to school like nothing happened.

So, your probably wondering by now, 'where does MCR come into this??'. Well of course you are, this is a MCR tribute page after all. This all happened late 2006 early 2007. At the same time My Chemical Romance released their album 'The Black Parade'. Until that time, I detested music, any music. To me, it was just noise coming out of the radio, giving me a headache. However, I was on my bus one day going home, and 'Welcome to the Black Parade' came on, and I loved it. no that wasn't my first MCR song, I've heard some of Revenge before from Desiree, I just wasn't paying attention then. That one song sparked my interest in them, and my birthday was coming up soon, so I asked my mom for the album, and a CD player. Once I received the album I couldn't put it down, I obsessed over every word Gerard sung, every note Frankie, Ray and Mikey played, and every beat Bob dropped. Eventually, I wanted more of them, and I started looking them up, I wanted to know what they looked like, what they were like, and of course, any more music of them that I could get my hands on. I received Revenge from Dezi just about a month after I got 'The Black Parade', and Bullets just months after that. I focused on them, and them only. When I was listening to them, nothing else seemed to matter. Those people were only people, and hopefully I would be rid of them by the end of the year. (This was not the case but the thought got me through the day) I felt like somebody out there, those five wonderful men I call my heroes, understood me, and I've never even met them.

These men saved my life, I know that that's a total cliché, especially with this band, but it's 100% absolutely true. They pulled me out of this horrible, dark place, and gave me hope in my crumbling world. Even now, whenever I need them, they are always there for me when no one else is.

Life Is hard sometimes, and sometimes I just feel like quitting, like dying, like I'm going to eventually. But then I think to myself, if people like Frankie, Gerard, Mikey, Ray and Bob can do something like this, something that Is so special, that has touched so many people, then maybe, just maybe, I can live, I can survive. It's simply amazing to me that five men can change my life forever, that they can allow me to hope, it's even a little strange. But this is the truth, this is real, I'm real, and I'm alive. I'm not quite okay yet, but I will be.

So, now I have something to say to anyone who is reading this. If you feel hopeless, like your worthless or like everybody is against you please, please know, those people, the ones who are putting you down, They aren't worth anything. They aren't worth your pain, your time, and most definitely not your tears. Help is possible. And even if you have to scream at the top of your lungs to get someone to notice, do it, because it's worth it, you're worth it. I know I don't know any of you, and I probably never will, but I love you, every single one of you. It's people like you who I reach out to in difficult times in my life, people like you who have helped me be able to tell you any of this. But if you take away anything from my story please take this: You. Yes, You! Are Worth So Much. Don't let them change you, because there is no one who can be you, better than you.

In the words of Gerard Arthur Way "Be Yourself, Don't take anyone's shit and never let them take you alive..."

I wish you all happiness, love, sun, sea and books. <3

Forever Yours,
Deandra