March 27, 2011

"Never Stop Running."

The last time I went to a My Chemical Romance show I was still a kid. Lost but eager to set my life right, I dreamt about a lot of things but never thought to push to achieve those things. Though I had just finished school I was still young, yet still at the point where I should've decided what to study next. I was 16 and unfortunately, due to the current education system, I should've known what to do for the rest of my life and I didn't which made me feel lost. And feeling lost made me feel confused because nothing felt worse then growing up.

MCR inspired me a lot those days and pushed me forward with my artistic endeavor; I wouldn't be as creative as I am today without them. I started to write a lot of stories based on their songs, or at least inspired by their music. Later on I also started to paint their songs into life; (a method that I still use a lot) painting music. I painted nonstop until I completed my work, then I put the finished painting aside and started a new one. Or put the brushes and paint down altogether and started to type; wrote to the wee-hours until my fingers bled. Just to write, to learn, and to create.

Tonight kind of felt like a follow up from their side even though they personally most likely have no idea about the effect they've had specifically on me and my identity as a person and an artist. After the previous show I was filled with passion, exuberance and drive to keep going long enough to try to pursue my dreams and make something out of my life. I kept chasing the things I wanted for a while, ran to catch them but never fully reached them because, well, I guess I got tired of running. It got to the point where I was starting to give up and around last year I felt lost again.

Ironically this band never seems to cast anyone aside. Even if I tend not to listen to their music for a while they sneak up on me if I'm feeling bad and make everything better. When I started feeling lost again it didn't take long until I was reading an announcement about MCR returning to the safe soil of Finland. Needless to say I was excited, I knew this was exactly what I needed and I now had something to look forward to.

Back in 2007 the band's tour reached Finland in the summertime. I was determined to be in the front row with my friends so I made the effort to be there. The show was on Tuesday and we got on the spot on Saturday. We slept the nights outside and chatted the days with other fans. We even survived a major rain that destroyed most of the camp but made the fans pull together even stronger. Overall everything sums up as three nights, four days, one band, six thousand fans and for me; first row in the fucking middle.

I remember other fans being pulled out of the first row because of the pressure but I don't recall feeling any pain myself. I even remember someone laughing and saying how amusing it is that "the girl that's standing in the middle on the first row is only smiling." In the first row, sweaty, without any water, being squeezed by everyone just felt like the only place I could ever get along all by myself. The concert gave me so much faith in myself, in not needing other people to get through life and to be what I want to be. I realized that my life is my mission and depends on nobody else but me.

Tonight I had no intention of staying the night in the snow storm outside or even getting into the first row. I showed up as the doors opened, stood in line to the merchandise desks for a while, got my stuff and headed to the hall, picked a good spot on the floor and laid down just to take it all in. Once MCR took the stage everything made sense again. How could I've forgotten this? I remembered how much they've inspired me and how much I still get off their music. I mean, I could write a book out of each of their album. Shit, why won't I? I felt a new hit of willpower and determination rushing into my body making me feel alive again, like I could achieve anything I put my mind into. And I can.

It was like walking through fog for a while and suddenly seeing everything crystal clear. It was like seeing everything blurry for a while and then buying glasses. "Never stop running" Gerard stated out before Bulletproof Heart and suddenly I understood the song in a nanosecond. Gravity don't mean too much to me. Without gravity you don't have weight on your shoulders. Without weight on your shoulders you can move forward. Without gravity, you can run faster. So I dropped all the weight from my shoulders to the arena and decided to start running again.

I never thought that I could return to achieving the same state of happiness that I achieved four years ago but lost just a while ago. I've come a long way from 2007 and flew too low for a while. Still, just like that, I can see my whole life clear again. MCR show... my beautiful crystal castle. I will chase my dreams. I will run faster.

Gravity don't mean too much to me,
Joanna